Alrighty. This account has officially been passed off to Adrienne. This is my last peace out. If you want to contact me or whatever, this is my personal.
Thanks for the fun. lovelys.
Meh, Nevermind. I’m not going through all of that. Maybe, if Adrienne wants, I’ll give her the email and password and she can have this account.
Will I go back to getting occasional anon love? /caitlin creeps
More than likely, not. I’m sorry. I just don’t want to RP as Alex anymore. Don’t really want to be a sexual blog actually. Haha Not saying that there’s no inspiration to, cause that’s not true. Lol Just don’t want to anymore.
Like Clare thought, Alex loved her. She didn’t doubt it for a minute, but hearing it let her breathing relax. “And I love you. I make it a point not to yell at me, and as long as we love each other… As long as you love me, and I love you, we’ll be fine,” Clare whispered, taking a moment to lift her head and stroke Alex’s cheek, her gaze meeting Alex’s, as much as she really could muster that feat. “We’ll be okay. I’m okay, and I know you’re confused, but we’ll make this,” she continued as tears welled in her eyes once again. This conversation, as necessary as it was, was painful, as well it had destined to be all along.
Alex didn’t know what more to say on the subject. He knew how he felt but he didn’t want to upset Clare anymore. So just like their last fight, he kept it in. Covering up his pain with a small smile and a nod. “Please don’t cry, Clare. I’ll start again if you do.” He tried to lighten up the atmosphere with another light chuckle. At the moment, he wanted nothing more to brush his teeth to rid his mouth of the gross taste lingering there. He wanted to hug and kiss Clare and wanted to hold Emilia.
What could Clare say to that? Knowing that Alex was upset with himself was hard enough to deal with, but it absolutely broke Clare’s heard to hear him say, painfully, that he didn’t deserve her kindness. At least, that’s what Clare thought her husband meant, because she wasn’t being angry or rude or anything like that. She couldn’t be. “Can I ask you something, then?” Clare murmured. She was fairly sure she knew the answer, but needed to hear it. “You still love me, right? I mean… Right?” she asked, glancing up to watch Alex as he answered. Hearing that Alex still loved her would be enough, at least to Clare, for her to justify the kindness and love she was receiving him with right then.
That question shocked him. Of course he loved Clare. He would never stop loving her. Taking another breath, he found his small, sore voice. “Of course I love you, Clare. But look at what I’ve done. I’ve hurt you. I’ve ignored you and I almost didn’t recognize my daughter and I have absolutely no fucking idea where the damn time has gone. I’m so confused right now, Clare. I don’t understand how you’re able to look at me with any remnants of kindness.” His voice sounded pathetic. He was quiet and his voice cracked often. “You should be yelling at me right now.”
There was, at least, a response, but Clare sighed at it. “Alex, I’ll always love you. Sure, I’m upset, I’m angry, I’m pissed, but I love you,” she murmured, glancing down. The truth in her statement hurt, but it needed to be said, because she couldn’t ignore her needs and emotions. Yes, she was hurt and angry, but Alex needed her, and Clare wasn’t going to stand by and ignore the fact that he was probably, and obviously, very upset with himself. “We’ll work through this, I promise,” she added after a brief second of silence, her voice cracking as she spoke.
Clare’s words hurt. Of course they did. He was to blame and he knew it. He wanted her to yell. Wanted to her release her anger on him right this moment. Her kindness was the last thing he deserved. Mercy was the last thing he deserved in his opinion. Everything going on in his head was insane. Most people would think he was overreacting. But he hurt the woman he loved and abandoned his family. How could he not overreact. “I don’t deserve this.” He whispered as he looked at the ground; mind made up. He could practically feel his heard disintegrating.
Seeing Alex so lost hurt Clare, although she’d been lost in the same way fairly recently. And it seemed like the only thing she could do was sit by Alex’s side and stay with him, which she fully intended to do. Clare was still mad, but she’d deal with that later. Right now, she wanted her husband back, she wanted to hold him and love him and act as if nothing had happened, although that wasn’t what she really needed to do, and she knew it. “I love you,” Clare murmured in a broken breath.
Alex looked over at Clare when she said I love you and his chest ached. With much strain and red eyes, he managed a word in his hoarse voice. “How?” He was genuinely confused. He’d ignored her for months. Practically ignored their baby for months. Didn’t know that she’d been pregnant. He thought he deserved to be cast out. Thrown out into the cold where he could think about what he did before Clare ever said those words to him again. It down right confused him. His legs shook, wanting to run away and jump off of something tall but he kept it at bay. For now.
Nothing Clare had done up to this point was helping any, so she did what she’d always done for any of her kids when they needed comforting, although she couldn’t quite pull Alex into her lap, what with him just having been sick and her baby bump. However, the stripped down version was of her wrapping her arms around Alex gently, as well as she could, and kissing his forehead a few times. “Take as long as you need, baby, I’m here. It’s okay, everything’s okay,” she murmured as she tried to comfort him.
Alex shook his head and opened his mouth as if to speak, but no words would come out. He had so much he wanted to say, so much he needed to so. So many apologies but his voice wasn’t working. Another thing to add to his worry. He wanted to stay and talk and hold Clare and apologize; make everything better. But he also wanted to run. Run away so he could never hurt Clare or Emilia again. He felt like a terrible father. He felt like a terrible husband. And he was right to think that. All at once he felt like a child and a brokenhearted adult. As tears streamed down his face, he kept trying to speak as his head shook in frustration.
A frown crossed Clare’s face and held it tight. She was just worried, as she should have been all along, because even though she was suffering, it seemed like Alex was lost. Which is what had fueled her forward- that, and knowing how awful she’d been- and to kneel down so that she could get a better look at her husband’s face. “It’s okay, baby,” she murmured as she stroked his cheek. What could she really even say?
Alex shook his head as he felt Clare’s calming hand on his cheek. He knew she could more than likely feel his trembling. But stopping it was out of the question. He was in a panic and didn’t know how to stop. Tears continued down his face as he gently lifted his hand and placed it on Clare’s knee. He really wished the he could form some sort of sentence but nothing was coming to mind. He was still trying to figure out where the hell all of the time went and how he’d let himself get so bad.